I’m excited to announce a new world, long in the making. It’s called Isfits!
Co-conspirator, Benji Todd and I, have been dreaming ideas and crafting illustrations for the last 8 months. We’re planning to launch a Kickstarter this fall to finish the rest of the art, print some books, make an animated movie, and maybe even put one lucky Isfit into orbit around the Moon!
Isfits. Postmodern fairytales.
Every member of the Isfits family has big dreams to make this world a better place.
Xarlie and the Xanthum Gum Factory wants nothing more than to make food taste better with great chemical additives like MSG, Xanthum Gum and Jet Fuel.
Vella Culligan is a union steam shovel operator by day and a vampire oppression activist by night.
Serious George is a repeat offender who wants to help other criminals understand their rights and provide helpful tips for befriending penitentiary guards, avoiding common pitfalls of incarceration and sharing blueprints for escaping from prison.
Our first column, Cinderella Goes to the Potty, focuses on a major problem in our society, one that the main stream press is totally ignoring. It’s called Potty Training Anxiety, or PTA. Millions of perfectly normal men and woman suffer from PTA, but they are too embarrassed to seek help. Cinderella Goes to the Potty has shown great bravery by agreeing to tell her story publicly, but she can’t do it alone. She needs your help.
This column will give Isfits like Cinderella Goes to the Potty a platform to achieve their dreams and help millions of people.
Please, we urge you to support Isfits and these great causes.
Step right up folks. I’m pleased to present you with the first of these 26 short stories.
I’d love to hear what you think, so please stop by and leave a comment on Facebook, Twitter or at the bottom of this post. And don’t forget to check to see if you’ve won last week’s giveaway. I’ll announce the winner and start a new giveaway after the story.
Now turn down the lights, start a little fire and roast some s’mores while you enjoy the premier of Isfits and our first family member, Cinderella, like you’ve never known her before.
Cinderella Goes To the Potty
Cinderella lay in her bed, eyes wide, staring at the splintered ceiling. The stone wall next to her, lit by silver moonlight, was covered with scratches. Cinderella knew exactly how many scratches were on the wall without counting. She made them herself, scratched a new line every night when the clock rang twelve.
Cinderella had always promised herself she would not stay long enough to see 1000.
It was 11:58, two minutes until the clock struck midnight.
Cinderella tried to ignore the howls coming from the forest beyond the creek. Should she attempt to escape through the window, 100 terrifying feet above ground. Or, should she wait for the old man and the old woman to come. They checked on her every night about this time. She could hide behind the door, shove them out the window when their backs were turned.
A scratching sound, like feet on stone, from the other side of her rickety wooden door.
Then a thunk.
Something heavy was being drug up the stairs. Candle light flashed through the gap beneath the door. Voices.
“Hurry,” said the old man in a deep raspy voice. “The Potty is hungry.”
Cinderella crept out of bed and peeked through the keyhole. The old man drug an axe behind him. With each step up the stairs, the bloody axe head clanked on the wooden planks.
“Is the girl fat enough?” said the old woman.
“She’ll have to do. The Potty will eat us if we don’t feed it soon.”
The old woman reached the top of the stairs, fumbling with a rusted ring of keys. Cinderella backed into the shadows. The clock chimed.
The handle turned. Cinderella grasped at the wall behind her, looking for something to strike her captors with, but her hand felt only scratches. She climbed up into the window.
The door creaked. Cinderella risked a glance down. Her stomach twisted. Her hand, slick with sweat, slipped and she nearly fell backward
“She’s getting away!” The old woman yelled.
“Grab her, quick,” cried the old man.
But Cinderella was quicker. She stepped out onto a ledge and slid sideways across the face of the tower. The old man crashed through the half open window, shattering the stained glass. He leaned out, head bleeding from a fresh cut, axe in hand. Swinging, his axe flew at Cinderella’s face. She ducked just in time, feeling a whoosh of wind as it struck stone. Sparks showered down into the darkness.
“Let her fall,” The old woman said. “The Potty don’t care if she’s breathing.”
Cinderella heard the old man and the old woman clambering down the stairs. Cinderella managed to slide around to the side of the tower where she found thick ivy growing. She used the ivy to rappel down, wondering, after a few minutes, why the old man and the old woman weren’t waiting for her at the base of the tower.
She jumped the last few feet, landing softly in a bed of leaves. Crawling around the base of the tower, she peered through an arched glowing window. A huge tree with eyes and a mouth shaped like a toilet grew through the floor boards. The Potty. Sticking out of the tree’s mouth were two pairs legs. The old man and the old woman.
Cinderella smiled. They meant to feed her to The Potty, but became the meal instead.
But what to do now? She couldn’t stay. No, there was nothing left for her in the tower but the memory of her captors and a carnivorous toilet tree. Were there good potty’s out there in the world somewhere? Kind toilets that don’t eat old men and old women and little girls? Cinderella had to find out.
She dusted off her faded blue dress and turned to the forest. Goosebumps formed on Cinderella’s arm as the sound of howling grew on the air.
A broken sign, creaking in the wind, pointed down a dark, winding path.
Toilet Forrest. 1 Mile.
Cinderella started down the path, stepping carefully to avoid making noise. But the howling grew closer with every step. Coming to a bridge made from an overturned clawfoot tub, she glanced back at the tower, no more than a faint outline on the horizon. Breathing deep, she turned to the forest and crossed the creek, staring up at the dark toilet trees growing tall around her.
Cinderella was going to the potty and there was no going back
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I’m giving away a $250 Amazon Shopping Spree and 50 signed copies of Evan Burl and the Falling.
This week’s winner is Lou Scott!
Along with winning a signed copy of Evan Burl and the Falling, Lou joins the other semi-finalists in the $250 Amazon gift card giveaway. Claim your prize by emailing firstname.lastname@example.org